The Last Testament
Now, as the earth he has godded so magnificently draws to a Mayan-induced close, God breaks his 1,400-year literary silence with his final masterpiece, The Last Testament.
As dictated to his mortal amanuensis, 11-time Emmy Award–winning comedy writer David Javerbaum, God looks back with unprecedented candor on his time in the public sector. He takes us behind the scenes of Genesis, setting the record (un)straight on the real first couple, Adam and Steve, and challenging long-held notions about the viability of containing a phylogenetically complete double bestiary within a 450,000-cubic-cubit watercraft. For the first time, he breaks his silence on Jesus Christ, shedding light on a father-son relationship as heartwarming as Will and Jaden Smith’s. And he reveals his true feelings about his third great faith, Islam, WHICH ARE NOTHING BUT POSITIVE AND RESPECTFUL.
But The Last Testament doesn’t just look back. It also offers God’s perspectives on the perennial quagmires of love, marriage, and smiting. And he takes an 27.99 unfiltered look at contemporary society, addressing such hot-button topics as:
• Why he loves America
• What he listens for in a good prayer
• Which sports teams he really roots for
• Which celebrities are totally gay
Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is a tale of courage, adversity, and triumph. It’s the ultimate celebrity autobiography, sure to appeal to not only hardcore God fans and “worshipers,” but to anyone who’s ever had total omnipotence. If you place complete faith in the literal truth of one book written by God, make it The Last Testament.
It Getteth Better -- GOD
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1In the beginning, I took a lunch with Daniel Greenberg of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency.
2 For the future of print was without hope, and void; and darkness had fallen upon the face of the entire publishing industry.
3 So one day Daniel, my agent, whom I have been with forever; by which I do not mean literally “forever,” as I started out unrepresented, but a good 25 years or so;
4 Anyway, Daniel got us a table at Balthazar; for he knows someone there.
5 So we met, and exchanged pleasantries, and sat down, and caught up; and in time I coyly came around to asking... see more
1In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.”
2 Yea; that takes me back.
3 Back to the first day of creation; the day when, in a sense, it all began for me;
4 The day I tossed aside the idleness of my early eons, to take on the honor, responsibility, and privilege of being the LORD thy God, King of the Universe.
5 I remember that day like it was yesterday, though to be sure it was not yesterday; rather it was ages ago, across an unfathomable sea of time whose meagerest inlet exceeds the ken of human understanding.
6 It was October 23, 4004 B.C.
7... see more
1The most important thing about undertaking a large-scale building project such as a universe, is to divide it into small, manageable action items.
2 For if thou seest it as a single large operation, thou art bound to become discouraged, and say to thyself, “Oh, I shall never manage to build a whole universe in six days; it is just too darn hard.”
3 So knowing the pitfalls of this approach, I banished it from my thinking from day one (Day One), and laid the week out as a series of attainable goals: the first being the relatively simple task, of creating the heavens and the earth.
... see more
1But before I speak of humanity’s earliest ancestors, I must here address a subject of great importance to all seekers of truth; but particularly those seekers of truth, who are tenth-graders in Kansas.
2 Over the last several hundred years, scientists have uncovered an obscene amount of evidence in support of the theory of evolution expounded by Charles Darwin.
3 And each such piece of evidence has seemingly revealed a new and more profound inconsistency between reality, and the account of Creation offered in Genesis.
4 Now, I know many of my faithful servants have labored... see more
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