The Last Testament

A Memoir

customer reviews

Over the course of his long and distinguished career, God has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multitalented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post–Simon Cowell era. Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is the ultimate celebrity autobiography.

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Book details:

Simon & Schuster |
400 pages |
ISBN 9781451640243 |
November 2011

$11.99 List Price

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Praise

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“Presented as ‘A Memoir by God,’ the book comes divided into chapters and numbered verses like the Bible, if the Bible were narrated by Mel Brooks on crack-laced manna. It’s a bawdy circus of theological... ”

– Ron Charles, The Washington Post

“The Last Testament is billed as a message from God as transcribed by David Javerbaum, the former head writer and executive producer of ‘The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,’ whose specialty is chutzpah. With no apparent... ”

– Janet Maslin, The New York Times

“I can’t be sure, but I think the famously blasphemous Mark Twain (who once said he didn’t want to go to heaven because he hated harp music) would have chuckled his way through Javerbaum’s book. Maybe even snorted.... ”

– A.J. Jacobs for The Globe & Mail

“A ‘memoir’ by God [The Last Testament] does what The Daily Show does so well--it satirizes religion by both taking it seriously and not taking it seriously at all, using humor to both point out the inconsistencies of... ”

– Salon.com

“This book plays spin doctor for the Big Guy, in the form of a really new testament. Author David Javerbaum, formerly a writer and producer for 'The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,' brings that show’s arch snappiness to his task,... ”

– Buffalo News

“Spit-take funny.”

– The Jewish Daily Forward

“Oh, God . . . There are enough laughs here, not to mention a dazzling underlying knowledge of theology, to give plenty of props to Javerbaum.”

– Booklist (starred review)

“A blithely blasphemous satire of monotheism. . . . Adherents of every Abrahamic faith will find plenty of hilarious, offensive manna for thought in these revelations.”

– Publishers Weekly

“Damned comical. Amen.”

– Kirkus Reviews

“Absurdity reigns in The Last Testament. . . . A wickedly funny introduction to the opinions and modus operandi of God, 'King of the Universe.'”

– ShelfAwareness.com

“I want every Christian I know to have a copy of this book.”

– NewAtheism.Blogspot.com

“No doubt the old rogue savors the irony that the most appreciative readers of his Last Testament are likely to be atheists. He might even have written it specially for them.”

– The Atheist Conservative.com

“There's something pitch-perfect about the tone and tenor of The Last Testament . . . Readers from every religion will find things to laugh at and/or be offended by in this book.”

– January magazine

“An irreverent look at Judaism, Christianity and Islam, sparing no religion, or religious leaders, any barbs.”

– The Christian Post

“[David Javerbaum] takes ghost writing to new heights. . . . The entire book is written to provoke laughter. That isn’t a bad thing in a world where we take ourselves far too seriously, most of the time.”

– Ottawa Citizen

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Read an Excerpt

PROLOGUE

1In the beginning, I took a lunch with Daniel Greenberg of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency.

2 For the future of print was without hope, and void; and darkness had fallen upon the face of the entire publishing industry.

3 So one day Daniel, my agent, whom I have been with forever; by which I do not mean literally “forever,” as I started out unrepresented, but a good 25 years or so;

4 Anyway, Daniel got us a table at Balthazar; for he knows someone there.

5 So we met, and exchanged pleasantries, and sat down, and caught up; and in time I coyly came...

CHAPTER 1

1In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.”

2 Yea; that takes me back.

3 Back to the first day of creation; the day when, in a sense, it all began for me;

4 The day I tossed aside the idleness of my early eons, to take on the honor, responsibility, and privilege of being the LORD thy God, King of the Universe.

5 I remember that day like it was yesterday, though to be sure it was not yesterday; rather it was ages ago, across an unfathomable sea of time whose meagerest inlet exceeds the ken of human understanding.

6 It was October 23, 4004...

CHAPTER 2

1The most important thing about undertaking a large-scale building project such as a universe, is to divide it into small, manageable action items.

2 For if thou seest it as a single large operation, thou art bound to become discouraged, and say to thyself, “Oh, I shall never manage to build a whole universe in six days; it is just too darn hard.”

3 So knowing the pitfalls of this approach, I banished it from my thinking from day one (Day One), and laid the week out as a series of attainable goals: the first being the relatively simple task, of creating the heavens...

CHAPTER 3

1But before I speak of humanity’s earliest ancestors, I must here address a subject of great importance to all seekers of truth; but particularly those seekers of truth, who are tenth-graders in Kansas.

2 Over the last several hundred years, scientists have uncovered an obscene amount of evidence in support of the theory of evolution expounded by Charles Darwin.

3 And each such piece of evidence has seemingly revealed a new and more profound inconsistency between reality, and the account of Creation offered in Genesis.

4 Now, I know many of my faithful servants have...