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To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?

To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?

Revenge Poetry for Babies and Toddlers

 Q: How do you breed contempt?
A: Have a baby.

 Hey. It’s me. Your baby. Let me say, first off, that I love you. I do. You’re a great parent. You do a lot of things right. I know how devoted you are to me and how invested you are in hitting this whole parenting thing out of the playground. Okay. Now that I’ve given you the validation I know you need, let’s get a few things clear . . .

I’m not as innocent as you think I am. You don’t realize it because you’re blinded by my sweet good looks, but I am aware of way more than I can convey. I feel more than I can express. I have more going on in my soft, little baby brain than you could possibly imagine. Until now. The book you’re holding finally reveals the complexities and nuances of my life so far. From my point of view.




Be warned . . . it’s not always adorable.
Choose a format:
  • Atria Books | 
  • 112 pages | 
  • ISBN 9781451660678 | 
  • April 2012
List Price $16.99


All In Good Time

Jason Sklar reads a poem from TO WHAT MISERABLE WRETCHES HAVE I BEEN BORN by Suzanne Weber

Read an Excerpt

Fussy Loves Company

Why are you always on me about being fussy?

You’re fussy.

You’re fussy if you’re tired.

You’re fussy if you’re hungry.

You’re fussy when you have gas.

You’re fussy when there’s nothing on TV.

You’re fussy when you’re too hot or too cold.

You’re fussy in the morning before caffeine.

You’re fussy when I wake you up

in the middle of the night.

You’re fussy when you look in the mirror

and don’t like what you see.

You’re fussy... see more
Suck It

Can you explain to me

what makes you

so very uncomfortable

with my pacifier?

I like to suck.

You taught me that.

I got rewarded for sucking.

I got fed. With warm, delicious milk.

I felt close to you.

Heck . . . I felt close to achieving Nirvana.

Can you blame me for wanting to keep that sense of

peace and oneness going for just a little longer?

Sucking on something makes me feel like I might

have a chance at being a truly successful human being.

Can you say that about any of your vices?

You wish you could find... see more













The Sounds of Being Humiliated

“What’s the doggie say?”

Oof. Ooof.

“What’s the kitty say?”


“What’s the rooster say?”


“What’s the lion say?”


“What’s the pig say?”

Oink. Oink.

“What’s the horsie say?”




I’m out.

I’m done.

I’m bored.

I am not your puppet.

I am not your clown.
... see more


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About the Author

Suzanne Weber
Courtesy of the author

Suzanne Weber

SUZANNE WEBERis a writerperhaps best known for creating and performing the character Anita Liberty, a performance poet who achieves notoriety by devoting her entire career  to humiliating her jerk of an ex-boyfriend in public. Weber penned three books as Anita Liberty – HOW TO HEAL THE HURT BY HATING, HOW TO STAY BITTER THROUGH THE HAPPIEST TIMES OF YOUR LIFE and the young adult title, THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE (YEP, THAT WOULD BE ME). Her short film, ANITA LIBERTY, was a Sundance selection and was co-written and directed by R.J. Cutler (The September Issue). A native New Yorker, Weber currently resides in Los Angeles where she writes television pilots and has started taking her coffee with soy milk. She lives with her husband and her daughter, a sassy little chip off her mother’s block of contempt.




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