To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?
Revenge Poetry for Babies and Toddlers
A: Have a baby.
Hey. It’s me. Your baby. Let me say, first off, that I love you. I do. You’re a great parent. You do a lot of things right. I know how devoted you are to me and how invested you are in hitting this whole parenting thing out of the playground. Okay. Now that I’ve given you the validation I know you need, let’s get a few things clear . . .
I’m not as innocent as you think I am. You don’t realize it because you’re blinded by my sweet good looks, but I am aware of way more than I can convey. I feel more than I can express. I have more going on in my soft, little baby brain than you could possibly imagine. Until now. The book you’re holding finally reveals the complexities and nuances of my life so far. From my point of view.
Be warned . . . it’s not always adorable.
Read an Excerpt
Why are you always on me about being fussy?
You’re fussy if you’re tired.
You’re fussy if you’re hungry.
You’re fussy when you have gas.
You’re fussy when there’s nothing on TV.
You’re fussy when you’re too hot or too cold.
You’re fussy in the morning before caffeine.
You’re fussy when I wake you up
in the middle of the night.
You’re fussy when you look in the mirror
and don’t like what you see.
You’re fussy... see more
Can you explain to me
what makes you
so very uncomfortable
with my pacifier?
I like to suck.
You taught me that.
I got rewarded for sucking.
I got fed. With warm, delicious milk.
I felt close to you.
Heck . . . I felt close to achieving Nirvana.
Can you blame me for wanting to keep that sense of
peace and oneness going for just a little longer?
Sucking on something makes me feel like I might
have a chance at being a truly successful human being.
Can you say that about any of your vices?
You wish you could find... see more
“What’s the doggie say?”
“What’s the kitty say?”
“What’s the rooster say?”
“What’s the lion say?”
“What’s the pig say?”
“What’s the horsie say?”
I am not your puppet.
I am not your clown.
... see more
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Book Cover Image (jpg): To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?
eBook 9781451660678(1.2 MB)
Author Photo (jpg): Suzanne Weber
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